Blended Family Life

This will be the beginning. I will start to tell you about this journey that we have been on over the last 14 years. Please remember, this is my story. I will tell it from my point of view. I say this, not to leave out the ugly parts (oh how I would love to), but rather to remind you that I can only give you my story, from my perspective. I am sure the other parties involved have very different stories than mine, and that is ok. I am only worried about me. I do this to shed light on the world of blended families. Maybe someone reading this will learn something to do or not to do because of one of my experiences? That will make all of this worth it! I do this for healing, nothing more. I am open to all feedback, even the ugly.

Our Story

First thing first, I don’t believe that anyone should divorce, and especially for the sake of the children. Not that you should stay in a violent, abusive relationship, but divorce should be a last resort of sorts. I say this with 14 years of stories of kids lives who have changed (and not always for the good) because of the situations that arise with divorcing. I wish I had been a different person 20 years ago, but I wasn’t. I think it took these 20 years to teach me what I know now. Divorce can destroy kids.

Neither my husband nor I divorced with style and grace. The divorces were messy. They created hard feelings everywhere. They tore apart two people who promised to love each other until death parted them. They destroyed homes where children were. They destroyed the sense of security and belonging for all. They left kids feeling abandoned and alone. This divorce monster doesn’t care who you are, it will burn you to your very core.

What I have also learned is that I was way too young to know anything. I wasn’t prepared to be a wife or mother. I had no idea what marriage took (neither of us had a great role model system because our parents were all divorced). I had no idea what commitment really meant. I had no clue about bills or responsibly, nor did I have work ethic! What I did know was that if it didn’t work out, you could always get a divorce!

 

My marriage lasted all of 4 years, and two of those years were during the ugly divorce. The marriage itself was awful. It was violent and chaotic. The only positive aspect of my first marriage was my children. The downfall was that I was so insecure with who I was I made their father’s life a living hell if he wanted to see the kids. You see, he had remarried before our divorce was final. Actually, we were “trying” to fix what marriage we thought we had when I read his marriage announcement in the local paper. I was so hurt and angry (and immature) that I wanted to keep my kids all to myself. At the time I thought it was the best thing, but since then I have learned that I knew nothing.

As though the chaos of my marriage and pending divorce wasn’t enough, I involved myself in another relationship. One in which the man wasn’t divorced yet. This man had three kids of his own. I don’t know for sure where they were in the divorce process, but based on future actions by the ex, I am guessing she thought it was salvageable, and maybe it would have been had I not been in the picture.

But I was.

And we are here.

Today.

In this life.

At this moment.

From a relationship that should have never happened was born this family that I call mine. I can say that I am not proud of who I was, or what transpired over those years, but I am proud of the commitments we made to each other and our children. I could dwell on the person I was, but I choose to forgive that girl and live for today. I have been forgiven. I forgave myself. And because of forgiveness I am able to be a better wife and mother. Free from the ties that bind me to my sins. I am so thankful to God for this forgiveness and that even with all my faults, He still loves me. I have learned a lot over the years. I have learned about love, marriage, parenting, forgiveness, acceptance, responsibility, dedication, and, most of all, about me. It has been a long journey but I write today knowing myself better than I did yesterday and understanding that tomorrow I will learn so much more!

During the first few years, we spent many, many years going through pure heck. And there are still moments where the pains of a blended family are gut-wrenching. As I write this portion of the blog, I think about one of ours who has made the decision that we don't do enough for him and therefore will not be returning. While my heart breaks, I also realize that sometimes distance has to happen to make you truly appreciate what you do have. This also reminds me of the important role that parents play in ensuring that relationships are maintained between all parties. No matter how I personally feel about anyone, the kids should never have to pay the price for the adults. If you encourage children to make poor choices, one day they will make a poor choice against you. How can they not? It is what they have learned.

I could go on for hours about all the yuck. Every horror story you have ever heard from anyone who has been divorced with children has probably happened to us. And we could probably one up you any day. The point is, it has happened. What I would tell anyone going through the ugliness now is that don't sweat the small stuff. At the end of the day it is your character that matters. Looking back over the last 15 years, I wish that I had reacted less and loved more. I spent so much time and energy focused on being right, winning per-say, and now I can tell you I spent too much time angry and not enough time loving. Spend your energy focused on love and building relationships and memories that will last a lifetime, and less time on the game playing. Trust me, you won't regret it!